God Cares about what you think. Please fill out the following and submit to God@heaven.org at your nearest convenience. (And remember, HE knows when you are faking inconvenience!)
God would like to thank you for your belief and patronage. In order to better serve your needs, S/HE asks that you take a few moments to answer the following questions. Please keep in mind that your responses will be kept completely confidential, and that you need not disclose your name or email address unless you prefer a direct response to comments or suggestions. 1. How did you find out about your deity? Please check only one. __ Bible __ Book of Mormon __ Burning Shrubbery __ Dead Sea Scrolls __ Divine Inspiration __ Koran __ My Mama Done Tol' Me __ National Public Radio __ Near Death Experience __ Near Life Experience __ Newspaper __ Tabloid __ Television __ Torah __ Other (specify): 2. Which model deity did you acquire? Please check only one. __ Allah __ Father, Son, and Holy Ghost (Trinity Pak) __ Gaia/Mother Earth/Mother Nature __ Jehovah __ Jesus __ Krishna __ Odin and entourage (Valhalla Pak) __ Satan __ Yahweh __ Zeus and entourage (Olympus Pak) __ God 1.0a (Hairy Thunderer) __ God 1.0b (Cosmic Muffin) __ Other (specify): __ Taken in by a false god 3a. Did your God come to you undamaged, with all elements in good working order and with no obvious breakage or missing attributes? __ Yes __ No 3b. If no, what problems did you encounter? Please check all that apply. __ Finite in space/Does not occupy or inhabit the entire cosmos __ Looks after life other than that on Earth __ Makes mistakes __ Makes or permits bad things to happen to good people __ Not eternal __ Not infinitely plastic (incapable of being all things to all creations) __ Not omnipotent __ Not omniscient __ Permits sex outside of marriage __ Prohibits sex outside of marriage __ Requires burnt offerings __ Requires virgin sacrifices __ When beseeched, doesn't stay beseeched 4. What factors were relevant in your decision to acquire a deity? Please check all that apply. __ Burning Shrubbery __ Couldn't see why Geraldo should exist __ Desperate need for certainty __ Fear of death __ Hate to think for myself __ Imaginary friend grew up __ Indoctrinated by parents __ Indoctrinated by society __ Like organ music __ Need to feel Morally Superior __ Needed a day away from work __ Needed a reason to live __ Needed focus in whom to despise __ Stuff was falling out of the sky __ Thought Jerry Falwell was cool __ Wanted to know Jesus in the Biblical sense __ Wanted to meet girls/boys __ Wanted to piss off parents 5. Have you ever worshipped a deity before? If so, which false god were you fooled by? Please check all that apply. __ Almighty Dollar __ Baal __ Barney T.B.P.D. __ Beelzebub __ Bill Gates __ Burning Shrubbery __ Cthulhu __ Elvis __ Great Pumpkin __ Great Spirit __ Left Wing Liberalism __ Mick Jagger __ Moon __ Ra __ Radical Right __ Sun __ Other (specify): 6. Are you currently using any other source of inspiration in addition to God? Please check all that apply. __ Alcohol __ Ann Landers __ Astrology __ Barney Fife __ Barney T.B.P.D. __ Bill Clinton __ Biorhythms __ Burning Shrubbery __ CompuServe __ Crystals __ Dianetics __ EST __ Fortune cookies __ Human Sacrifice __ Insurance policies __ Jimmy Swaggert __ Lottery __ Mantras __ Palmistry __ Playboy and/or Playgirl __ Psychic Friends Network __ Pyramids __ Self-help books __ Sex, Drugs, Rock and Roll __ Tarot __ Tea Leaves __ Television __ Wandering around a desert __ Other (specify): __ None 7. God employs a limited degree of Divine Intervention to preserve the balanced level of felt presence and blind faith. Which would you prefer? Please check only one: __ More Divine Intervention __ Less Divine Intervention __ Current level of Divine Intervention is just right __ Don't know 8. God also attempts to maintain a balanced level of disasters and miracles. Please rate on a scale of 1 - 5 his handling of the following (1=unsatisfactory, 5=excellent): AOL 1__ 2__ 3__ 4__ 5__ Earthquake 1__ 2__ 3__ 4__ 5__ Famine 1__ 2__ 3__ 4__ 5__ Flood 1__ 2__ 3__ 4__ 5__ Pestilence 1__ 2__ 3__ 4__ 5__ Plague 1__ 2__ 3__ 4__ 5__ Rescues 1__ 2__ 3__ 4__ 5__ SPAM 1__ 2__ 3__ 4__ 5__ Spam 1__ 2__ 3__ 4__ 5__ War 1__ 2__ 3__ 4__ 5__ Crying Statues 1__ 2__ 3__ 4__ 5__ Spontaneous Remissions 1__ 2__ 3__ 4__ 5__ Stars Hovering Over Backwater Towns 1__ 2__ 3__ 4__ 5__ Walking On Water 1__ 2__ 3__ 4__ 5__ Water Changing To Wine 1__ 2__ 3__ 4__ 5__ Getting Any Sex Whatsoever 1__ 2__ 3__ 4__ 5__ Saddam Hussein still alive 1__ 2__ 3__ 4__ 5__ VCR's that set their own clocks 1__ 2__ 3__ 4__ 5__ 9. Do you have any additional comments or suggestions for improving the quality of God's services? 10. Name: (optional) 11. Email address: (optional) If you complete this questionnaire before Judgement Day you will be entered in the One Free Miracle of Your Choice drawing. (Chances of winning: approximately one in 6.023 times 10 to the 23rd, depending on number of beings entered.) Tracy E. Longacre -- Manage by Design from San Francisco, CA.
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